Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
