is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Every concussion has its silver lining
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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