So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I need a burrito and a hug.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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