You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
