Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
