I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
