i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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