i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
