Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize