1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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