I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
