Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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