pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
