my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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