Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
