made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
