I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
