my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
