Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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