The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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