Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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