I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Randomize
