she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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