god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
