never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
