I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize
