Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Randomize
