You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
