I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
