I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
