Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Randomize
