i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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