I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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