College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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