i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize