Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
