remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
meet me or not, i'm out of control
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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