i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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