she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Randomize
