i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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