Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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