first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
