I got chris browned last night
I accidentally burped into my bong.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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