I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
