Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
