Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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