Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
