Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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