I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
