My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
