I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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