I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
