sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Then you guys just all showered together...?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
