I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I stole a fireplace last night.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
