I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
