Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
