My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
