He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
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