My liver just broke up with me...
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize
