I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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