i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
Quick, to the slutcave!
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
